There goes another one.

Today as I was lying sprawled out on my bed looking up at the ceiling I was thinking to myself how much relationships change people. I have always been against relationships because I am afraid of change. I don't want to find myself losing friends, losing touch, and being focused on just one person. And as much as I would want someone focused on just me, I wouldn't like that either. Lately, I feel that I am losing people in my life that I cared so much about, I would do anything for, and just loved them for who they were. Whenever one of my friends get into a relationship, I tell myself " There goes another one." The question why people change and become distant really boggles my brain. I don't know if it is my post traumatic stress of being left by loved ones or my ignorance that they were never really there in the first place that makes me scared. So I asked my friend why this happens, "Why is it that when people think they have found love and get into relationships that they seem to slowly disappear from my life, why do we lose someone whom we have put so much time and effort and care for?" Her response "The people that truly matter, those are the ones who stay."  This answer put me right back on track again.

This made me realize that maybe the ones I did lose never really mattered, in fact they don't. Why should I worry my pretty little head about them fading away. I am still shining and I will always be here. I will always be there for people I love because to them, I should matter, and I do matter. So to anyone who loses people over relationships always remember that they didn't really matter in the first place. But also remember not to be stubborn about it. If they want back in your life don't put up your guard just because they needed to realise on their own that you matter to them, and they needed time to realise that they mattered to you. As of now it is really hard to watch someone I have grown to love and know so well change. Seeing someone go from a realist and bad boy to a tight shirt, flip flop wearing nerd is out of my control. All I can do is be happy for him, maybe this change is good a part of growing up and taking lead with his heart instead of his mind. But I am starting to lose touch, lose sense, and lose friendship. I am not going to lie when I think about it, it hurts me immensely, because I don't want him to end up being something that never mattered, and I sure do not want to be something that never mattered to him either. Only time will tell if our friendship will keep blooming or wither away. All I know now is he doesn't matter this point in my life because he chose to leave.

Relationships should bring people closer together, not further apart. With love must come hardship. And most times the hardship is put on the ones who don't have that special one yet. And us single, half hearted friends must remember to never throw the ones who leave us away. We must treat people how we wanted to be treated, and I sure know I never want to be abandoned because I had to learn the hard way. And to all the ones I have now who have been with me through thick and thin they matter because no matter how much hurt I have brought or put upon them, they stayed.

If people matter they will stay.

-Ashlee