You can't buy love.

 On my mind today, like every other day,... MONEY.

Lately I have had my mind on money. Not just the money but the pursuit of it. I love working hard and getting paid for it. Do I think I am over worked and underpaid? most of the time. All the other times I think I get paid just for having fun and being me. I love what money making part takes, and as much as I love making it I love spending it. (mostly on food...)

To get to the point. I think women have gave the impression to men that what makes us happy is nice things. Yes it is nice. But that can only last for so long. We want someone to have nice things and enjoy them with us. If you don't spend as much time with us as you do money, we have a problem. Women, ladies, even little girls want attention. I would have rather had my father around while growing up then gifts, money, and cards he would send me. Especially when you are a little, none of those things matter to a young princess. We wont remember or tell people "oh I remember when my daddy bought me this expensive bracelet", or what not. We as women fond on memories. A moment with someone that will sit in the back of our heads for a lifetime. Like catching my first fish with my dad.

Growing up we realise money is a great thing. Sometimes we don't really need a man around if we have money. Because we can keep ourselves occupied. But in reality we all get lonely so someone with money is always a nice gesture. But after awhile, men will think that's what really does make you happy is nice things and money. It will help a lady be blinded from flaws and imperfections. Well we will get over the money and start focusing on attention and passion. When we loose that we pursue and fill that void with talking to other people who are actually interested in talkin to us and showing us attention. Even if it is through a simple text.

I don't really know where I am goin with this, but in conclusion the money cant substitute attention, passion, and love. So don't sit around on your video games, focus on work too much, or go out with the guys all the time thinking its okay because you will buy her love. Sorry if you got a great girl she will be smart enough to know that it's not all about the money. We would rather be single and having fun then stuck at home playin on our Ipads.... Just sayin'

Ashlee

It's been awhile.

Since my last document (post/update/opinion.) my life has been one big clusterfuck, in the healthiest way. I decided to update y'all on my current life as today. I will try to be as short and honest as can be.

Where am I now?

I am in a relationship, living with my boyfriend, located in the Palm Springs area, and soon moving to Pacific Beach, Ca.

I never thought in a million years I would ever be at this point of my life where I am making big descions. And it scares me to death. Here I am with the most amazing guy I have ever met. And I still can't figure out why I am not the happiest girl on earth. But here I am moving into a place with him away from my family. Everyone asks me so you guys are gonna get married, are you in love? All these questions that scare me!! I always freeze up when asked, shake my head, in denial is the best thing to describe it. Am I ready for all this? Ready for the things I always wanted, it is happening all so fast. I was the girl who hated relationships, who was disgusted by people "in love" who wrote stupid posts about their boyfriend/girlfriend on facebook. I was the one who said I will never be that girl. And here I am in this huge pickle! AND I HATE PICKLES! So am I ready for this? For all the questions, for the reality, for life. Honestly no! I am completely and entirely not ready for any of this. But what I am ready for is the experience. I can't tell what the future has in store for me, none of us do. And too many of us think we do. I will not sit here and not do it because I am scared, because I know not long from now I am already goin to think of all the "what if's" in my head, and regretting I didn't take the chance. For now I am just going with the flow. So for now...

For now. Yes I am in love, Yes I love my job, No I don't always tell the whole truth, but who does? For now, Yes I am greatful for all these new opportunities that seem to always present themselves lately. Yes, I am moslty about money,.... It helps. Yes, I am still ignorant to the world. And I rather be no other way at this moment of life. Who knows where I will be in 5-10 years. I would like to dream, but in the back of my head I keep it real. Am I at peace? No I never will be. Because I never stop thinking, pursuing, and running. I have stopped running from things, and started running to things. Am I happy? YES. There may be days I have no clue if this is right for me, where I think I am a horrible person. Days I am confused and explode all my botttled up emotions. Those days suck, but because I have those days, it makesall the other days SO much better.

well that is all for now, I have to go skype my best friend half naked...

-Ash

Cherish your Youth.

I have been thinking lately about the term of being young and having fun, enjoying your youth while it lasts, do what your body can handle before it can not. All I have been hearing lately is how i need to take it all in and have fun because one day it will all change. Here I am telling everyone how I wish I was older, I want to be in the future and skip all this being underage stuff and young because it is holding me back. I just want to grow up in a way, and not all because I just want to be 21 so I can go out and have fun, but because I have always felt more mature for my age. Being 19... almost 20 it is hard to date older guys, not because of lack of personality, attraction, or intelligence, but simply because of my age.

I have had my fair share of being young already, a little too much all a little too fast.

So here is my advice to you young ladies struggling and growing. To those girls who are hung up on the "love" of your life, who lack self confidence, and just don't know what to do with your life.. I am telling you. IT'S going to be okay! People will say what they want about you, think what they want about you, and beat what they want out of you. All you need to be is true to yourself and do what YOU want. I think we all forget that a little too much. Being selfish with your life is 100% OK.

The things I am about to write will definitely have people assuming I have done and experienced all of these situations. I am not going to sit here and try to persuade you that I have or have not, cause that would be wasting my time. (Hint: That is me knowing who I am and not caring what others think)

Go out, go out with your friends, with people you trust and love to be around. Don't stay home over someone who just broke up with you over something stupid or not so stupid, the more you are down about that dumb ex you will have in 2 years the more you will regret missing having the time of your life. Have fun, experience everything you can while your young, while you have that excuse. I'm not saying go out and get addicted to drugs, alcohol, or sex, I'm just saying that it's okay to experience it. Yes, being able to say NO would be the most valued answer, but lets get real... We aren't in the D.A.R.E program anymore. Go make out with that guy/girl that you have been keeping an eye on them, hell go sleep with him, make your own choices...

Being a slut... You will learn to accept that it's okay! In actuality you thinking your a slut is probably for the better. The fact that you are aware of your choices leads to knowing how to be safe, and experience all the things that will one day make your future husband a proud man. But please if your going to be a slut, be a classy one and pick the right ones to slut it up with. People can be vicious so if you can't handle the heat than don't put yourself in the fire. Do not let some crazy ex-boyfriend threaten you about how they love you so you should fuck him to keep him around, or to keep you from someone else. The truth is, if he's doing that, most likely he ain't getting shit and you are.

DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS, I have love for some drugs. Including Tylenol PM and Ibuprofen..... Oh hell... Smoke some pot, figure out what everyone is talking about, hopefully you won't like it and mother will be proud, but if you end up loving it, It's healthier than soaking your liver in alcohol on a weekly basis. Ecstasy, oh the drug that makes people crazy happy, in love, and just know the beauty of the world, well it will fry your brain, and CAN kill you. So be wise when popping that small luminous light year of a time. Coke, as in cocaine, you will never get a better high than the first. That's me saying, only do it once before you get addicted and have no teeth, and look like skinny crack whore. Those are the mainstream drugs that are easy to get and popular to our generation. Other drugs, don't mess with they wont do anything but kill you make you broke, and ugly.

Alcohol, oh what good friends we are. Alcohol is awesome, I am not going to lie to you. But its all about what you choose to do when your intoxicated,... oh wait your brain and body does that for you, you have no control ... watch out. Go out and let loose, you will laugh about it in the morning... Usually. So have no worries, going into it thinking its gonna be an awesome night, leads to an awesome night. Don't be the dumb one who drinks and drives or lets someone drink and drive. Because you wont be laughing in the morning.

Girls, your young, looking for someone to be in a relationship isn't that guy who is just going into college who you think loves you, or that guy you think can be a potential interest. Boys are young and stupid... SO if your looking for something more go for an older guy, a couple years older. But in most cases even that wont work because you guys are at different stages in your life and the fact that your that much younger than him will have his friends in his ear saying no, his family telling him that's a bit young, and him subconsciously just wanting to have sex and fun with you, because he thinks that exactly what he expects from you. So in the end, be sober and yourself when around someone you like and care for, trust me I have been there.

Guys, you will always be guys. But that doesn't stop us from loving you. I have no advice for you really because I don't think half of you even deserve to know what we think. You know what we think from the start, the fact that you don't care just makes you stupid. Just don't mess it up with the right one. You will know when its right.... and it will suck when your the one staying home at night because she was fun and happiness that filled your heart.

Being young is awesome, harmful, and will only come around once in your life. So go out there and LIVE people. I am telling you, its awesome to be young and naive. So take advantage of it while you can, but don't too it all at once, because you will end up like me, sitting here writing while everyone is at the bar and putting down a cold one. And if you are reading this, you can relate to some things, or can absolutely disagree and be appalled but what I have to say, because you aren't going out doing the things I preach.

STAY REAL WORLD.
-ASHLEE

Welcome 2011!!!!

Welp, due to the insanely inconsistant Wi-Fi connections I have been getting lately, I have not been able to keep up with all I have been wanting to say, exspress, and opinionate. But for some reason I think that might be a good thing.

2010 and was definately a rollercoaster for me. But a fun one. I learned many things, and had the opportunity to make a change for myself. Moving to California was probabaly one of the best desicions I could have made for myself at this point in time. And I think I am growing a lot more than what I would ever be able to in Oregon. Being stuck in a town that doesnt allow you to grow and distinguish yourself from others tends to get tiring and exhausting. Who knew being like everyone else was so hard?

I found myself lonely but happy here. Serenity I have been missing since I started to lose my innocense, I am slowly gainging back. California, so much I am unacustomed to and unaware of. People can see what they want in it, they can see happiness or they can see sadness and violence. I see both. Change for me is difficult, extremely difficult. I know its only a state down from Oregon. But It's a billion heartbeats away from home. The culture here is different as well as climate. Its a big adjustment, and I am just know learning how to accept it.

What I am really trying to say here. Is that 2010 could possibly be the best worst year of my life. And I'm so thankful for experiencing and facing all the challenges that I did. Better now than later. Being young and being me are two different things, but as 2011 arrived I plan on learning how to do both (without losing my mind, without substituting other things for my happiness, with out going in debt, and wihtout losing people I love)

BRING IT ON 2011! I am so estatic to show you what I am made of!!!!

-ASHLEE

It isn't about how many names you know, it's all about how many lives you have touched.

I am a big people person. Not because I am so sociable, but merely because I am intrigued by other peoples lives. I love talking. Anyone who knows me, knows I am a deep hearted person with more to give than I have ever gotten. I just want to take some time out of my day to remind everyone that there is more to a person than just their name, age, and physical features.

Andrew Jenks has been a big part of my life lately. To see that someone else besides me actually cares so much about someone Else's life and wants to live through what that person lives through is just amazing. I actually was brought tears to my eyes when he lived a life through someone who is autistic. It touched me in so many ways just seeing how much of  an influence they both had on each other. Anyways I'm blabbing, If you watch the World of Jenks on MTV Monday nights, you know what I am talking about. I always thought it would be cool to be famous and for everyone to know who I am, but if that were to ever happen, I don't want to be just that, I want to inspire people, motivate them, and be able to be on a personal level with the world. And in a way I am already famous, to everyone in my life. I think the reason why most my friends are so close to me is because I like to listen to them. This should not be forced upon you, you should never feel obligated to talk to someone and get to know them, or their story. You actually should feel honored that someone wants and is willing to share their story with you. If you actually listen, you will learn so much more than what you actually experience in your own life. I feel that some of the best lessons in life are not the ones you learn yourself but from others. I don't think people take enough time out of their day to give to others. To be there for someone, to help someone out, to stop being selfish for once and just give. You may not have much to give money wise, but giving is so much more than that, give heart and soul, make sure the people you love and know, know you care. It bothers me to see selfish people sometimes, i just want to shake them and say helllooooo!!!! And I know those selfish people I am after too. I want to know why they are selfish, how did they become like this, maybe I can open their eyes and let them see how much better life would be if they cared more about someone else than themselves. If your going to know someone, then KNOW them.
Life will be way more interesting and just by knowing someone Else's dreams, hopes, and struggles will make you more experienced to the world. I hope after reading this, it gets the point across. Go touch someones life, bring a smile to their face, do something good for the world. Spread your love. I swear you will be in a better place. That is all I shall blab about.

-Ash

Who you really are.

People lose themselves when looking for someone else.

I have noticed that when people are interested and like someone with the thought of love in mind they tend to lose themselves.

I think people lessen themselves because they think who they are wont be satisfying or good enough to whom they want. they later figure out that sometimes who you are is exactly what they needed and wanted but never got the pleasure of knowing the real you because you weren't you. And then they don't want you because you tried to be something you weren't to get their attention. It is all part of the system. Knowing from experience, it isn't fun. Life in general for me, I not only do this for that someone but I had been doing it for everyone, being someone everyone wants me to be not who I am. Everyone will go through this, but not everyone will realise the person they seem to be isn't who they really are.

The only great thing about being lost in life... is being found

-Ash

IntimidatOR vs. IntimidatED

I was going to make this about jealousy vs. envy but I decided that both these themes fall along the same path and get the point across.

When you walk into a room filled with unfamiliar faces, are you smiling, are people glaring at you, is your head down like a sad puppy, or are people welcoming you?

IntimidatED -Generally, the IntimidatED are the ones without confidence or at the moment the confidence does not present itself. They are the ones staring, commenting, or just speachless.They will find ways to bring the intimdatOR down or they will eventually find that the intimidatOR rarely lets immature things like that effect them, and normally began to suck up and befriend the higher power. Intimidated does not mean you are a lessor person or that in fact you are equal and could be above. It is all about how you handle yourself and how people percieve you. You are in charge of this. Lacking the knowledge you did not know before I just presented it in front of your eyes, I am assuming you fall under this category. We intimidatEES can smell you EDs from miles away. You are not envious but hold the more jealousy quality to your name. You hate that you feel this way. Hate is the word of jealousy, and people over use the word jealous everywhere. PEOPLE! Envy is the word you are looking for. Envy is for someone or something you love, that you are happy for, envy is loving and passionate. Jealous just screams the words hate and distasteful. The intimidatED have a jealous feeling. I have been intimidated a few times by some worthy of it, but I never really found myself in this kind of position of an intimidatED. There is a fine line between the two.

IntimidatOR - IntimidatORs are rarely the kind to put down, to point out others flaws before ours and are only here for their own entertainment....sometimes. They tend to laugh extremely loud, fight with ice, and know when to stay out of it. IntimidatORs walk in a room with a big smile on their face and have no problem socializing with anyone. Also they tend to not really give a shit about people surrounding them and their thoughts about oneself. As much as I don't want to say this... they are very selfish, and or selfless. Intimidators do not waste their time on the bad things, and if they do it is generally for a friend and comfort. They are always helping others and making a difference, this difference may not always be a positive one but they are still leading, and to be a leader is the strongest quality an intimidatOR has.Noticed I haven't mentioned much about the intimidatED, this is because intimidatORs do not focus on them as much as the Eds do on them. No, not because they do not care, but because they do not see themselves above them. Yes, they know they are better people but they do not make that obvious. It isn't their goal. Their goal is to focus on themselves and discover ways on bettering themselves. Their weakness is being strong. They are more likely to make friends then shake them.

I see myself as an intimidatOR. I have been intimidated before but do not fall under the definition. I envy everyone above me and am hopeful from all the ones below, I do not think I am equal because there is only one of me. I tend to be stronger more than weak, and I know my flavor tastes good because people want more. Just because I and other intimidatORs are who we are does not mean we are bitches, stuck up, or unapproachable. Sometimes we may seem like that but that is because the intimidatED are quick to judge and do not take the time to make themselves one of us.

So what are you? IntimidatED or IntimidatOR?

-Ash