Lying Here

My head is spinning
The place is dark
I'm left alone in a bed of bark
I am conscience but have no thoughts
I tried calling out to you, again no response
This time was next time
And I was left with no choice
Over and over I kept hearing your voice
All the hatred things you said
And all the lies you fed
And through all of this all I needed was a friend
My heart is fluttering, slowing rapidly
Flash backs of all the memories.
I have drank through my emotions
And to the ground you let me fall
I was unknown to your kind and different from all
You held my hand so tightly for so long.
The mess you have made in my beautiful mind, its half your fault
I'm clearly aware of all the things I choose to do
But I'm still terrified of all the things you might do
I'm at the bottom of every bottle I could get
My heart has been drowned with whiskey and gin
Its not only a habit, but is becoming my only habit
That is why I am lying here
Because I couldn't fight what I was most afraid of... And that was fear
I've ran away from things that could hurt me
Everything but your heart has deserted me.
That's why I'm lying here because I'm waiting to face the one thing I fear
Its childish I know but in the morning I know someone will find me here
Bruises inside and out
A heart made of solid gold
And liver thrashed and doused
Lungs filled with black smoke
And a soul so untouchable and so untamed
That even you couldn't keep a hold
You have me so brainwashed and filtered that my last thoughts are of you before I become dead
This isn't your fault I would say, if I really believed that
but like for everything else ill take the blame
If only this time were last time and you could have helped me cope with the pain
But now I'm lying here cold and unclothed
I have no clue as to where I am, or in that fact who I am today
And ill never know, because you let me drink what I thought would take the pain away
Do you still hate me, do you still love me, do you envy me, do you trust me
Cause I'm doing exactly what you said
To go away, to go kill myself?
That you hoped I'd die and be buried with guilt
I dedicate every drop of poison to your mind, you had a good heart but even that couldn't help you find
Find me lying here
With a pen in hand and an empty beer.







-ashlee