Your past is one big experience. It is full of mistakes and learning lessons. It makes your future so much bigger than you think. I say the only mistake in life is making the same mistake twice. Whether you are a heart break diva or a selfish cold hearted jack ass we learn that you can't win them all but still we are never satisfied. What i had thought was love in the past has given me a whole different perspective to what i think and will continue to think of love. In my case, i believe that every man can kiss my ass.
I was a high school cheerleader, in peer group, and to be honest I was one of your obnoxious popular girls who knew everyone. I had one relationship through out high school and to say the least i was so mixed up in who people perceived me as. I was too worried about what my teachers, coaches, and friends would think. I was more about my social life than my boyfriend. To get to the point, i put that all to the side when i spilled the beans about loving the dude and i honestly did love him. As time went on i began to learn that i wasn't in any normal relationship. Because of my first and only relationship i didn't know any different. I thought him calling me names, treating me like trash, and him giving me a kiss to forgive him was normal. I put up with his shit for over four years. I was the only person he would ever treat like that. So i know deep down he has a good heart but just now good enough for mine. Puppy love turned into a hurricane full of emotions. I was a part of his family, and that was the hardest thing to deal with, but i did. Until this day no matter what they still treat me like one of their own, and i love them. When the stupid remarks turned into yelling, and the yelling turned into pushing, and then the pushing one day came to more than that, i was done. How could someone I truly cared for, i loved, who i gave my all to have so much anger and hate towards me. The saying "the ones you love will hurt you the most, because they know you will always love them," really comes into play. My junior year of high school I came to school with a swollen covered up black eye. No not from this pathetic piece of shit guy, but from me. I was convinced i was no good for anyone, I wasn't pretty, i was worthless. Yes, i was one of those girls. I looked in the mirror and continuously punched myself in the face. I had pills ready to take but i was to much of a thinker to follow through. As the years go on, my freshman year in college we worked out the kinks and became good friends again, and just when i thought someone can change, they go back to being the same. The series of events lead to his drunken stooper to try and drive home. Blocking the door for his safety was consequential for my danger. He was drunk, but even when you are you do not hit a girl. I had a pretty fist mark on my arm for days. My party animal life became more aggressive and the not giving a shit attitude never failed. He showed up at my house for a get together, when I had told him he wasn't aloud in my house, he didn't care. i asked him to leave more than once and warned him i was going to hit him, he obviously didn't believe me. BAM. instant black eye, he still refused to leave...so I proceeded to wamp on his face. It wasn't the logical thing for me to do, but at the moment it felt like the best thing to do. I regret it because I am not a fighter and i certainly would never want to hurt someone i cared about. Bottled up emotions are the worst once you shake it up a bit, it just explodes.
Another man in my life, my "dad" is another pathetic excuse for a man. Hero to stranger in one visit to his separate apartment from my mothers. I met his new GF. REALLY? you haven't even divorced my mom yet. Meeting an asian who could barely speak english and pronounce my name correctly was a hell of birthday present. Did i mention she was only wearing one of his XXL shirts at this time, the one i used to wear when I went to bed. Hey dad. your a real winner. He left my mom and I and moved back to California with this bitch. He would send me gifts, cards, letters, and eventually they stopped coming. Never spoke one word to him after that. Through out this time I had many flings at important men in my life come and go. With that being said a man will leave as quickly as he came. So to my future i will be reluctant to love and have a strong ,sturdy, steel wall around my peacefully glued together heart. I'm sorry to all you good guys that these fools have ruined it for you.
-Ash
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