Homesick

Sunshine, Palm Trees, golf courses, fancy cars, fancy people, shopping, and family. What more could a girl ask for? You would think this would be the life, but whats a life without laughter, without friends, without someone by your side along for the ride. Who knew i could miss a place i called home for so many years. A small town, nothing to do, and a place i thought i was too big for? The strangest feeling overwhelms me most days. The feeling of emptiness. You know its like when you break up with a loved one and your stomach and heart drops at the same time, you struggle to take a breath and you have to force yourself to get up for the day. I guess that's what homesick really feels like. I didn't really have family there so why would it feel so much like home? but i think of it and i have the best family a girl can ask for there. Eight girls i call my sisters. And they are we stick it out through thick and thin no matter what. And they know exactly who they are, they also know i would literally jump in front of a bus for them. Best friends are forever and for always, no matter what. And if not they were never your "best" in the first place. I have a group of guys i call my brothers. The ones that will protect you at any time, the ones who you can just be one of the guys with, the ones that can say I love you and mean it in the absolute most serious way. And a group of adults that i call mom and dad. Maybe its just me who has this big make believe family. But I wouldn't want anything more. Although I love my blood family dearly and mom to death. It's just not the same, they say blood is thicker than water, but sometimes that is the worst way to define family.

Insomnia is the enemy. The other night i could not fall to sleep if my life depended on it. I don't know if its because i am such a thinker, that i will sit in my bed four hours just thinking and imagining and brainstorming or if my body just hates me. I got up and decided to go for a run at 4:30 in the morning. Go watch the sunrise and just have some "me" time. As I was running i came to realization and remembered why i am really here. This is what i wanted. This is what i have been waiting for, this was my luxury. A luxury that i have came to take advantage of, i was starting to hate something i was so deeply fond of. That to me wasn't okay. I came here to conquer the things i could or not. I came here to prove myself to myself. So as much as i miss home, I must not spend my time feeling sorry for myself, being down, and wanting something i don't have. This time away is for me to grow and cherish how wealthy I am in the things i have. Maybe people will love me more that i am gone, maybe me not being around for awhile is a good thing. Distance does make the heart grow fonder. And i know my heart is sure realising that. Time away will hopefully heal my heart too, it does seem to feel that way.    

-Ash