They say that in football, the offense scores the points, but its the defense that wins the game.

They say that in football, the offense scores the points, but its the defense that wins the game.... Not in my case.


I often am mispercieved by many many people. What you see is not exactly what you get. I think people forget that a lot. I feel like an egg like personality doesn't quite hit that spot. I am well rounded, it does take a little time for me to crack, i get a little softer, and at last my heart is dry. I just feel that doesn't nearly describe my intimate self.

Lately, more than ever i have been realising that the huge wall i have established around my heart isn't getting me anywhere. Not only with love but with everything. Friends, family, even people i haven't met yet. I automatically put up my guards to everyone. I thought by protecting myself, I would be happier, keep me away from the pain that people in the past have brought me. I then began to find myself drowning in alcohol among other things. Yes, I love the atmosphere of drunk and under influenced people, love being around my friends, love meeting mew people. That is who I am, I am a social butterfly and that will never fade. But being around the party scene was the only way i found myself having fun. In a small place where the only thing to do was drink, have fun, and make jokes it gets old after awhile. I was losing as many friends as i was making and my money was disappearing faster than i was spending.

My thoughts then... People will love me more when I am drunk, because I happen to do funny shameless things. Being drunk will excuse all the things I really meant to say to you yesterday when I was sober but didn't have the guts to, so i made a phone call tonight. Being drunk automatically will have every ones eyes on me. Kissing a boy will mean nothing more than just kissing a boy, I'm intoxicated. It is okay that I look like shit because I am blacked out.

My thoughts now.. People love me when I do funny things sober, the guy I wanted would have loved me for every sober word I would express to him, I would have peoples attention anyway because I am just that kind of gal. Kissing a boy really means just that. And I love not getting ready and looking like shit, that is when i feel the most beautiful.

The defensive attitude was just making me look like an idiot. I became known as the "party girl" I have always thought that term was somewhat disgusting and dirt-baggish. And now i was claiming it. I do not at all see myself as that. I have brains, I have love, I want to make all my dreams come true. But i wouldn't let anyone know this in fear i might be liked less or they would poke at my soft spot. I lost one too many love interests not because I didn't like them, but because I was drinking too much, I was rude, and i didn't really give a shit. I never take anyone serious when complimented, thinking that they are just saying that to get in my pants. I was rude because i never wanted to actually get my hopes up and think... hey i think he really likes me.

Facebook is my hell book. But its also my heaven. I have refrained and will keep refraining myself from it for now. I have mixed thoughts about it a lot of the time. The Ashlee they see on there, is happy, loving life, and looks like all she does is party. But that's not at all who I am. Its just what i have wanted people to think. That I am just as happy as can be. Don't get me wrong I am a happy girl, but not as you see.

For now on I'm going to talk a little softer and carry a big stick. I am going to live my life in moderation and be happy for the ones I have lost. Because their life is probably a lot prettier with out me in it. I am going to lower my wall of steel so maybe if people wanted to attempt to get over it, they can. And maybe i can get over it as well. I will never hold back my feelings for someone just because I think they wont have them back, because I realised they probably do. I will ask for help more, and even more give a helping hand. I will take pride in my innocence every chance i get. And i will still dream about John Mayer. I will be cautious of my feelings and others as well. I will find myself a little more content with who I am. There is always room to grow, so therefor i will never be satisfied.

Defense doesn't win the game of life, perhaps it's helping some of us lose.
And as for football, GO DUCKS.

-Ash